I went to see Vin Diesel's latest, Babylon A.D., this afternoon.
As usual, Diesel's character sports a hard-nosed, butt-kicking exterior and a softer, more thoughtful interior. I liked the story, smuggling a seemingly meek 20-year old woman from a convent in Russia, or its remnants, to New York City. The plot is relatively predictable, but that rarely bothers me. I like how it unfolds and how each character plays his or her role. I'm not sure it was worth $10 (for a Saturday afternoon), but I'd be willing to spend a Netflix slot on it.
Posted by Kurt Wall at 18:43 2008-08-30 | Trackbacks (0) | Comments (0)
Steps 1, 2, and 3 (Sobriety)
I met with my sponsor on Thursday afternoon and formally and officially took the first three of AA's twelve steps:
- Admitted that we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.
- Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restores us to sanity.
- Turned our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him.
I had already taken these steps myself. It's clear to me and to anyone who knows me that left to my own devices I'll drink myself into an early grave, jail, or an institution. As to the unmanageability, well, my wife left me because I lied to her and deceived her about my drinking. If that isn't an unmanageable life, I can't imagine what is.
It is also crystal clear that only a power greater than myself can keep me sober and remove the compulsion to drink. My best thinking and efforts got me here. Nothing I've tried, and I've tried almost everything, kept me dry, much less sober. It's got to be God, or I'm taking the bridge.
My understanding of God is the conventional, traditional Judaeo-Christian God. Not the guy with lightning bolts waiting to drop the big hammer on my head when I inevitably foul up. Rather, the guy who slaps his forehead, says, "Dude! Again!? Let me help." and wraps me up in condemnation-free love. I turn my will and my life over to him everyday and almost immediately take it back, so there's ample room for growth on that front.
What, then, is the significance of taking them with a sponsor? I'll quote from a message I sent my wife when she asked the same question:
The significance of doing them "officially," with a sponsor, is that I'm working the steps the way that the first AAs worked them. This is the "AA way" and the way it is described in the Big Book. In a way, I'm just doing this the way my sponsor told me we're going to do it.For me, the significance is also like the difference between teaching myself algebra and being taught algebra by someone who already knows it. In the former case, I can get the main elements and the highlights, but I'd miss the subtleties and gotchas that someone experienced could show me.
I don't want another relapse. My best thinking got me where I'm at right now, so it's time I get out of my own way. When it comes to sobriety, I clearly don't know anything, so I'm going to listen to someone who does.
We'll meet again next week sometime to start on the Step 4, Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. That ought to be about as pleasant as getting raped in the butt with a running chainsaw.
Posted by Kurt Wall at 22:00 2008-08-29 | Trackbacks (0) | Comments (0)
Early Risers (General)
Early risers baffle me. God in his wisdom did not make me one.For the last three weeks, I've gotten up at 5:00 a.m. every morning to go to a 6:00 a.m. AA meeting (the Attitude Adjustment group) at Denny's at the corner of First and Alma on the south end of downtown San Jose. I get up out of sheer determination and, dare I say it, discipline. First thing I do when I get there is head for the coffee pot and pour it on my head. However, there are people there who are genuinely happy to be awake at that awful hour. They're bright, cheery, upbeat, and chatty. Ugh. I don't get it. I'm going to this meeting at this hideously early time because I'm trying to keep my butt from falling off. I'm glad to be there sober and not hung over, but I'd really rather be in bed.
I like this meeting because there's easily several hundred years of accumulated sobriety there, spread among people who have regained their standing, their families (in most cases), and their self-respect in sobriety. In addition to the quality of the sobriety there, the meeting focuses on what happens here and know in sobriety, rather than what is used to be like. "What it used to be like" is the same for every alcoholic: we drank and destroyed our lives and the lives of those closest to us. I don't know about other drunks, but I'm interested in how not to drink again and how to live sober today. I know how much I used to drink and how badly I fouled things up. What's the point of repeatedly rehearsing that?
I'll keep going to this meeting, but I refuse to like the time of day at which it's held and no one can make me like it.
Posted by Kurt Wall at 16:57 2008-08-29 | Trackbacks (0) | Comments (0)
RCIA Inquiry Session (Religion)
I went to the first RCIA session last night. I liked what I heard, but the "official" lessons start next week so I'm going to withhold judgement until that time. I have a 20-minute interview with the priest, Father Anthony Hernandez, next week before the class. The purpose is to find out in a private setting about my background, religious and otherwise, and to start the process of getting to know me.
There are about a dozen people, at the moment, in the class. Some are single, but most are either married or engaged couples. In the latter case, one person is already Roman Catholic and attending to support the other non-Catholic who is becoming Catholic. As usual, I don't fit into either category — I'm not single, I'm not attending to support my non-Catholic spouse, and my spouse isn't attending to support me.
The priest teaching the class, Father Anthony, is actually a Byzantine Catholic priest, that is, he's Roman Catholic but follows the Eastern rite rather than the Western or Roman rite. That's a happy bit of serendipity for me because I'm attracted to the beauty and antiquity of the Eastern liturgy.
So, after one lesson or class, I'm still interested enough to continue.
Posted by Kurt Wall at 20:57 2008-08-28 | Trackbacks (0) | Comments (0)
Bionic Toe (General)
Yes, a bionic toe. See for yourself
here, here,
and here. Listening to this sound effect might provide suitable
atmosphere while looking at the pictures. The vertical bars in the picture
are artifacts of using my iPhone to take pictures of x-rays backlit by
a flourescent light.
In 2005, I had some bone spurs removed from my left big toe. That relieved a lot of discomfort, but after a few months, my toe started hurting again with each step I took. In 2006, the same surgeon performed a hemiarthroplasty, implanting that screw-like joint you see in the x-ray. That relieved the discomfort for about six months, after which the pain moved to the second joint.
Today, I went to see a podiatrist here in San Jose (well, Redwood City), who took the x-rays you saw above. He said there's clearly something afoot, as it were, with my toe. It seems to by cystic. He'll know more after an MRI and seeing previous film of my toe. Ultimately, I suspect he'll stabilize it with a pin, fusing it, which will relieve the pain and discomfort.
My toe hurts most of the time, so getting it "fixed" will be great, but some part of me is greatly amused by all the time, money, and effort put into my big toe.
Posted by Kurt Wall at 18:52 2008-08-26 | Trackbacks (0) | Comments (0)
Our Lady of Peace Catholic Church (Religion)
After this morning's meeting, I went to Our Lady of Peace, a Roman Catholic parish just over the border into Santa Clara. It's notable feature is a 32-foot tall stainless steel statue of the Virgin Mary situated between the church and the north side of Highway 101.
The music was better than average. The priest was warm, if hard to understand at times because of his accent. The Spirit was in this place. I liked it well enough that I signed up for RCIA classes. I started to attend RCIA at the Cathedral last Fall, but held off because I wanted to go through it with my wife. If you've been following along the last couple of weeks, that's probably not going to happen, so I'll do it myself.
Meanwhile, yesterday, I had a follow-up visit from one of the members of Gloria Dei, the church I visited last week. I was surprised. I won't be returning to that church for the reasons I explained earlier, but I was touched that someone would follow up like that. I told him that I came from a rather more conservative and traditional ELCA church back east and, while I appreciated their fidelity to the liturgy, the rest of it wasn't for me. I'd like to know how he got into the complex, though, because the gates are locked.
Posted by Kurt Wall at 12:37 2008-08-24 | Trackbacks (0) | Comments (0)
Not Going to Hide (Sobriety)
I'm not going to hide, much as I'd like to just now.
For a brief period on Wednesday, 6 August, I prepared to enter a 30-day residential treatment program because I felt completely overwhelmed and was fortunate enough to find a center that could take me in the next morning. Similarly, there were a few days during the second full week of August during which I had closed KurtWerks and BlogWerks and taken down the content. Obviously, I didn't enter the treatment program and if you're reading this, KurtWerks and BlogWerks are back up.
After some consideration, I decided that disappearing into a residential treatment center, while appealing, was the moral equivalent of hiding from the world and the mess I'd created. It felt dishonest. It also simply wasn't practically feasible. Regarding feasibility, I couldn't take a break from my responsibilities for 30 days. There are bills to pay and so forth, things that wouldn't get done in my absence because there is no one else here to do them. My wife is back in Pennsylvania, my brother and sister-in-law are in Michigan, and my parents are dead. Being out-of-pocket $1050 for the co-pay didn't appeal either. I had the cash, but it was the money my wife had left to pay for shipping her belongings back to her and it wasn't right to divert the money for my own use.
As to hiding from the mess I'd created, well, I've wrecked my life and my wife's. Selfishness and my best thinking got me here, so it would be equally selfish to create such havoc and then run and hide in a treatment program for 30 days. No, I determined that I was going to face the consequences and clean up the mess to the best of my ability. My wife has made clear that, as far as she's concerned, there is no going back, no way to mend what I've broken, and, I presume, no future. Accepting that, there is still the disaster that is my own life and still the responsibilities I have here and now, from neither of which I can take a month off.
With respect to dishonesty, it occurred to me that real honesty was laying bare what I had done, what happened, revealing for anyone to see that part of me of which I am most ashamed: my alcoholism and its devastating consequences on my life and for those closest to me. There's a saying that we're only as sick as our secrets. Perhaps if I have no more secrets, I'll get well just a little bit faster.
I took down KurtWerks and BlogWerks for similar reasons. I wanted to hide, vanish, disappear. That's a pointless undertaking. I'm not going to be ruled by shame or humiliation. What I was did was beyond stupid but, again, I'm going to try to hold my head up and maintain some sense of dignity; I won't be walking through this slop forever.
As I said, I'm not going to hide. My wife thinks I'm a lying coward. I'm certainly those things and more when I drink. I'm not drinking today, so I have a fighting chance to be a decent man.
Posted by Kurt Wall at 08:15 2008-08-23 | Trackbacks (0) | Comments (0)
It's Gone (General)
The movers have come and gone. I haven't given up on the marriage, but in a way, the marriage resolved to this stack of boxes. I dropped Kelly's computer and monitor off for special handling yesterday.
So, the separation is complete. It's a milestone I would have been glad to miss.
Posted by Kurt Wall at 08:04 2008-08-22 | Trackbacks (0) | Comments (0)
Packing Up (General)
I've been packing Kelly's personal effects, at least the items she said she wanted, to return to her. I'm up to about 20 boxes and two wardrobe boxes. A couple more tomorrow and the packing will be finished. I'm going to let The UPS Store® handle packing and shipping her computer. The next step is to arrange actually to get the stuff shipped.
I feel like I'm packing up part of my heart. Con te partirò.
Posted by Kurt Wall at 22:22 2008-08-19 | Trackbacks (0) | Comments (0)
Gloria Dei Lutheran Church (Religion)
I went to Gloria Dei Lutheran Church this morning. I was in need of forgiveness and Holy Communion. I certainly got the latter and I have to take it on faith that I got the former, for I certainly don't feel it.
Like lots of ELCA churches these days, this parish offers a traditional Lutheran liturgy and a so-called contemporary service. I don't need or want drums and electric guitars when I worship, so I chose the traditional liturgical service. The traditional liturgy has been relegated to 8:30. It was sparsely attended (perhaps 30 people). They followed all the proper forms for one of the umpteen Sundays in Pentecost (a/k/a Ordinary Time), so I was pleased with that.
It typically occurs that when I show up to a new church, the pastor is on vacation or otherwise out, a trend that continued this morning. The associate pastor presided and preached. Not a stirring sermon, but I am spoiled by Pastor Riesen at Zion Lutheran Church back in Pittsburgh. I'd like to say I came away moved, but I didn't. Regardless, I worshipped to the best of my ability, heard the Word, made an offering, said the prayers with belief, confessed my sins, and received the Body and Blood. These are the things and the reasons for which I go to church, not be moved (although it helps when that happens).
Don't know if I'll go back. It wasn't too far from the apartment but nothing stirred me about the place. There was no Spirit to it that struck me the way I've been struck elsewhere. If anything, I need to feel a church's spirit and need to feel the Spirit is present in a church if I'm to continue attending it. That didn't happen this morning. Indeed, I've felt the Spirit's presence more strongly attending AA meetings in the basement of a church than I felt this morning.
Posted by Kurt Wall at 17:51 2008-08-17 | Trackbacks (0) | Comments (0)
Raising the Bottom (Sobriety)
I didn't completely waste 6½ years when I relapsed. My bottom was far higher than it was when I sobered up in 2001. I'm still employed, have a few friends, money in my checking account, some money in the bank, and some in my pocket. I'm not living in a pit. My health isn't shot. I'm not gray, wan, and stooped (beyond what spondylitis has done to me). Nor am I malnourished because I've been getting 80% of my calories from alcohol.
I bottomed out after a mere weekend of continuous drinking, which followed eight months of sporadic, episodic drinking. Which is to say my pain tolerance decreased quite a bit since 2001. Perhaps I didn't even hit bottom; it came up and hit me.
High-bottom drunk or low-bottom, losing Kelly is losing too much. I'll kick myself for some time to come over this. Life goes on and I intend, God willing, to go on with it, sans my wonderful wife if I must.
Posted by Kurt Wall at 21:34 2008-08-16 | Trackbacks (0) | Comments (0)
Some Honesty (Sobriety)
Time for some rigorous honesty.
Sometime during December, 2007, and I'm really not clear on when, I started drinking again. Yes, I threw away 6½ years of sobriety. No, I don't know why. I don't honestly know, yet, what happened. I definitely felt lonely, restless, and bored. I was also under a lot of stress from changing jobs and moving across the country. And I was challenged, perhaps past my limits, by my new job. These neither excuse nor explain anything; they just provide setting and context.
Naturally, being the alcoholic that I am, I told no one. Certainly not Kelly. I didn't drink every night; didn't, by comparison with my past drinking, drink heavily. But, it continued. And, predictably, it escalated from beer to liquor. My disease had progressed.
After Kelly came out here, she caught me drinking in either late March or early April of 2008. When confronted about how long, I lied and said I'd started the night before I left San Jose to fly back to Pittsburgh. After some consideration, Kelly said she'd stay but the deal was that it could not happen again or she'd be gone. I said that I'd go to AA and pursue therapy, but, ultimately, failed to do so.
I stopped drinking for a while. My father's death on May 27th shook me up and I used it as an excuse to drink. Upon returning to San Jose from Galveston, I stopped drinking and never said a word to Kelly about it. Sometime in late June, I think, I started drinking again, using trips to my garden plot as the opportunity. Kelly smelled it on my breath one night, at which point I vehemently denied it. She let it drop. Finally, Kelly found a receipt from a liquor store ATM machine. Confronted with the evidence, I tried to lie but ultimately admitted that yes, I had been drinking. The next day, Friday, August 1, she packed minimal personal possessions and returned to Pittsburgh. Remind me not to tell someone again that, if they are going to do something, not to dally…
Let me be crystal clear here: Kelly left because I lied to and deceived her, not because I drank. Lies and deception make a pretty lousy basis on which to build a marriage. I'd like to point out that that this was a late development in an otherwise sound marriage, but that's my perception. I played Kelly for a fool, albeit not out of malice but out of fear she would leave and shame about my drinking, but she's too proud to tolerate that. Kelly feels humiliated. I hope she changes her mind, but I'll plan for the worst and hope for the best.
Realizing I had royally fucked up, I spent that weekend on a prodigious binge. I took all but a few tablets of my half-full bottle of Paxil one night, Saturday the 2nd, hoping, honestly, I wouldn't wake up. Well, I woke up (much to my relief, in retrospect), but not until very early Monday morning. I didn't make it to work that day, made it work on Tuesday, and then spent Wednesday working from home. I returned to work Thursday after attending an early morning AA meeting.
I've gone to at least one meeting each day since, haven't had a drink since, and haven't had the desire to drink. I've gotten a sponsor. I'm pursuing therapy — it's surprisingly difficult to find a psychiatrist who 1) accepts my insurance, 2) has openings, and, 3) is willing to work with someone in early sobriety. In short, I've done all the things I should have done back in March/April. If she hadn't left, I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing now, but I'm not doing this to get her back. Kelly's made it clear she won't be coming back and, at the moment at least, doesn't want to see me at all (I offered to fly to Pittsburgh).
I'm sure there are details I've left out, but I haven't done so intentionally and I think this post adequately covers the lowlights.
Posted by Kurt Wall at 20:47 2008-08-15 | Trackbacks (0) | Comments (0)